Secret Military Unit Ordered to Kill the Public Option

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Update: President Obama released his health care plan today and…no public option.  Looks like the secret mission worked.  Blogs like Greg Sargent’s Plum Line still cling to the rumor that the public option has a pulse, but Sargent’s been trying to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to the public option for some time now.

President Barack Obama today ordered a top secret military unit to “terminate the public option with extreme prejudice,” after several blogs and news outlets reported that the long-dead health care concept was again threatening to annihilate the Democratic majority in Congress, and possibly even limit the President to one term in office.

Pentagon officials refused to acknowledge both the executive order and the existence of a top secret unit that specializes in eliminating threats that are notoriously hard to kill.  But a former Navy SEAL and Blackwater Security official now under indictment for killing terrorists without a license in Iraq agreed to speak on background with Dirt Diver about the special unit.

“The guys in this special unit are experts at killing things that don’t bleed…know what I mean?”

When pressed for an explanation, the Blackwater consultant just shook his head and said, “I’ve seen a lot of tough hombres in a lot of really crappy parts of the world.  Al Qaeda in Yemen?  Tough.  Believe me.  Contras in Nicaragua? Wicked.  But this public option thing?  It’s scary.  It really is.  The President was told several times that it was dead.  But it’s not.  It’s time to bring out the serious hardware, right?  I mean…ka-booom!  Ya know?  Right?”

The Diver has also confirmed that after signing Excutive Order No. 187, the President then reportedly demanded that aides classify the order as Top Secret.

“Obviously the President wants his liberal base to believe he supports this thing,” said a White House official who requested anonymity because he was not authorized to acknowledge the existence of the secret military unit. “But the Public Option has become an albatross.  It’s like we’re trying to swim across the ocean to get to the island of health care reform.  But our crazy liberal friends want us to swim while carrying this cement block labeled ‘public option.’  But we can’t do it.  It’s too heavy.  We just want to let the stupid thing sink quietly to a watery grave, ya know?”

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